I’m Not Okay, and That’s Okay

Max, our highly strung bag-of-elbows lanky lurcher turns 13 this month. We found out yesterday that he has cancer. It’s early days, there is hope and time will tell. The prospect of losing another one of our lovable, weirdo dogs so soon after our old-man Westie, Jack, in the middle of last year is weighing heavy on my mind and in my heart. It’s just one more thing in a year of ‘things’ and today, I’m not okay.

I’m feeling the insecurity and monotony of those things. It feels like a combination of the grim one year anniversary markers that are about to begin and the lack of anything else to look forward to, with no end in sight.

Up until recently, we had a wealth of things to look forward to or at least calendar dates to aim towards, like the US election and inauguration (if like me, you were into that), the end of 2020 (which everyone was into), even Brexit (enough said).

It feels like there is so little to look forward to right now. Us lucky spring babies will soon be celebrating our second lockdown birthday with another round of “look forward to celebrating when this madness is over” messages. As much as we all wished it would be different, we all kind of knew that the start of 2021 would still be as trying as the year before it.

I’m a huge believer and advocate for the power of gratitude and I have a lot to be thankful for. I know that. But sometimes, you just want and need to not feel okay. And I’m okay with that.

The current lockdown has seemingly been much more challenging for lots of us. My theory - for what it’s worth - is that of course, the weather is playing its part, but we’ve lost all of that adrenaline that got us through the early weeks and months last year, and now we’re running on empty. The goalposts are moving on an almost daily basis and we’re yearning for time with our nearest and dearest. There is no clear end in sight, albeit we do have some much needed and long overdue hope with the vaccine rollout.

And it’s all just getting really old now.

We know that we’ll get through this, and with any luck we will truly learn the value of what we have to appreciate in our lives. I recently wrote a guest blog for Training Journal on this very topic of focusing on what we want to keep. Yet that doesn’t stop there being good days, average days, grey days, meh days and downright hideous days.

I’m happy to share how I’m feeling. Some of you will have seen me vlog and blooper it up and in some way, shape or form, talk from the heart or at the very least try and keep it real when it comes to mindset and mental health, because I believe that it’s important to share and talk about how we’re feeling.

No-one should be feeling isolated with these feelings, yet so many of us are. It’s not right or wrong, it’s just the way that it is. There is much more that we could all be doing to support ourselves and each other, but at this stage in the game, all bets are off.

I’m writing this on the sofa, sharing a blanket and cuddles with Max. He has been spoiled pretty much every day of his life so far, so why change things now? We’ll go for a nice walk ahead of his trip to the dogtors tomorrow for his operation as he’ll be out of action for a while after that.

Tomorrow might be different, but today I’m not okay, and that’s okay.

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